You Strengthen Me
by adaywithouttheever
Summary: What happens if Rose really died in the end of The Last Sacrifice and brought back to life again by a spirit-user? Not Lissa; Adrian. Rose being bonded with Adrian means that she can have full access to his deepest thoughts; his joy, his woes, and his ever-present longing for her. Could her feelings for him possibly be magnified? /OC in CHP 6/
1. Chapter 1

I woke up in a hospital with awfully bright lighting. Note that when I say bright, I mean, _bright_. Like blinding-bright.

For a second I couldn't remember anything, and I thought I must have had amnesia. Nope. Not possible. People with amnesia wouldn't have known they had amnesia. Figures.

Then the events that happened rushed to me. The Court. Me, publicly accusing Tasha. Christian, cursing at me for my accusation towards his aunt. The gunshot.

I must have made a movement somehow, because the beautiful blonde sitting by my side leapt out and held me like dear life.  
She and I both wept.

"I'm so happy, Rose. So terribly happy. You don't know how relieved I am. I thought I lost you, Rose. I really did", she sobbed again.

"Hey, now, it's okay, Liss. I'm here, I'm here, I'm okay, everything's fine." The truth was I was still shocked and numb, and awfully scared as well. Besides, I couldn't not comfort Lissa, my one and only constant in my life, my best friend, especially when I was the reason she cried. My body, though, was well-rested and I felt awake.

"It was spirit magic, wasn't it?" I said.

She gave a small nod. I think she was still as hesitant to mention the gunshot, though it was the whole reason I was here. Tasha Ozera, Lissa's boyfriend's aunt, was the one who pulled the trigger, and shot me. She was a friend of ours and we all cared about her, especially Christian. Actually, the gun wasn't aimed at me, but I threw myself in front of Lissa and I was the one who got shot. We both still couldn't believe any of it and decided to stir away from that subject.

After awhile though, Lissa managed to tell me that I was no longer fugitive, and my trial would not be continued. Tasha's, however, will be held in a couple of weeks. I sighed in relief-that our plan actually worked-and sorrow that Tasha is most likely to be executed soon.

"I haven't felt this refreshed in a long time. Why the hell am I kept hostage in this blinding room? I've clearly recovered. Fully."

A woman not more than thirty cleared her throat. I had been so focused on Lissa that I missed a doctor standing behind her.

"Well, apparently they aren't too convinced", she glanced at the doctor. She continued, "But yes. I agree that it is a bit too bright in here." She squints her eyes to emphasise her point.

"We want to make sure everything is alright before we release you, Guardian Hathaway. After all, by ensuring your well-being, we are also ensuring that you are in perfect condition to guard the queen."

"The queen?" I looked at Lissa, who gave me a small smile. "I don't suppose.. You're already elected? You're queen?" I was beaming now.

I gasped. "I can't believe it! I mean, not that I can't, coz you'll make a perfect queen."

Lissa was still smiling broadly, though there was a little bit hesitation in her face. "Well, not officially yet. I will be after my coronation. And I'm not sure about about the last part, though. But I'm gonna try. Besides, I'll have you. I have little to fear."

The woman cleared her throat-again-and announced that they're running a few more tests on me before I'm fit to go.

"This is ridiculous. I don't feel any pain. When are they gonna realise that and let me go? I want to see Dimitri. Where's Dimitri?", I demanded.

Lissa's face, who was filled with joy just a couple of minutes ago, was no replaced with an unreadable expression.  
The doctor even seemed to feel the tension building. Lissa made a subtle gesture with her head towards the door to hint her to leave the room.  
Something's not right. I allowed myself to focus and latch on to her mind, to find out what is wrong.  
But... I found nothing.  
Nothing.

The realisation was so shocking to me that I stayed still for a couple of seconds. Then I started running my hands all over my chest, frantically trying to find imaginary threads that wove Lissa's soul to mine.

I shook her. "Lissa? Lissa! The bond! The bond! Our bond! It's gone! I know you can't feel anything but do you sense it? You must have sensed it!"

"Adrian was wondering how long you'd take to find out", muttered Lissa.

Adrian? Adrian... Oh God, Adrian! I need to see him!  
I didn't realise I'd been shouting those words out loud until Lissa half-shouted at me as well.

"Calm down, Rose! Please. We're all still trying to process what happened."  
"Still trying to process? What are you talking about?"

Memories rushed to me. Dimitri and I.. alone in the hotel room.. Adrian's agonised expression when he saw Dimitri kissed me... No, no, no.

"I owe him an apology! Oh God, I'm such a horrible person. He's hurt. I hurt him." I don't know why, but my guilt towards him now is ignited, and I feel so much worse. I finally realised the full gravity of the situation. I hurt Adrian, hell, I cheated on him and he's never going to forgive me, we'll never be friends again and I don't even think he would-

"Apology? What do you mean he's hurt? What are you talking about? Why would you apologise to your boyfriend who just saved you? I get that you feel indebted, but why are you so regretful?" Lissa was frustrated, and undoubtedly a little annoyed that I shouted at her.

Then she went still, like she was hit by a sudden realisation and said, "I don't suppose.. He sent you a message? For the first time ever?"

Message? First time ever? What the hell is Lissa talking about?  
No...  
No.

The memories of the gunshot slowly came back to me by bits.. The burning sensation in my chest. I looked up to see Lissa's eyes, Dimitri's lips, and...  
Adrian? He knelt down beside me, pushing Dimitri aside. He whispered something to me, or was he shouting? I couldn't tell. The voices in my surroundings seemed to be muted, and what I could only hear is the weakening rhythm of my heartbeat, faces of ghosts, they surrounded me, whispering to me as well, but I did not try to move away, because this was how I was supposed to end up the night of the accident, I shouldn't have cheated death, and I was so, so grateful I had Lissa, and—  
I blacked out.

Not long after that, though, I remembered feeling slowly, but surely, a cool sensation in my chest, and for a minute the coolness overwhelmed how hot my chest had felt and I almost suffocated, but then the sensation spreads, and I opened my eyes wide and the last thing I saw before I blacked out-again-was a boy with pair of beautiful green eyes and dark hair.

While he was pressing both hands to my chest, and looked down on me, the whole world zoomed out, except for him. He looked so real, so clear. Behind him, I saw people-or were they ghosts?-all frantically moving everywhere, but I didn't care and I didn't pay attention, because at that moment, when everything else in the world was a chaos, he was still.

Stable.

Peaceful.

Constant.

The cooling sensation that was once subtle now burst into what felt like a thousand snowflakes in my heart. For a moment I didn't know why but really wanted to laugh-not giggle, but a full joyful laughter. I felt so alive, so awake, so full of spirit, and I couldn't stop staring at him. He looked so bright, like an angel-no, scratch that-he was an angel.

And he was Adrian.

"I..I remembering, um, blacking out... twice... You were there, and also Dimitri... And Adrian was the last thing I remember", I swallowed.  
Her unreadable expression changed again, and now she was clasping both of my hands with hers. She too, was realising something else. Something I was still trying to figure out myself as I tried to put the puzzles into pieces. Adrian, the fluttering in my chest, the spirit in my soul, so much spirit...

Adrian. Adrian healed my wound.

"Oh God, Rose, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to upset or confuse you. I thought you've figured it all out."

Her tone had implied that this was worse than I thought. Adrian healed me, and I owed him my life, I could've died.  
But.. Why is Lissa so distressed? What else went wrong? Well, except for the fact that I almost died. Ha.  
Unless...  
Unless.  
_Did he send you a message? For the first time ever?_  
My bond with Lissa, gone.  
My eyes widened in shock.

_Of course_, I thought. _It's the only explanation why Lissa asked if Adrian sent me a message. She meant to ask if he communicated with me through the bond._  
Is it truly possible? To resurrect from the dead and be bonded with a spirit-user, then die and come back to life again for the second time? That would only mean I'd no longer be bonded with the first spirit-user that resurrect me, but rather the second one…  
"Lissa...Stop. Please", I was breathing heavily. "I don't wanna hear it."  
"Rose, I-"  
"No. Stop. Stop it."  
"Listen to me!"  
"No! Please! Lissa! If you don't say it then it's not true, if you don't say it then it's not-"  
"You didn't black out, Rose. You died. For the second time in your life. It was Adrian who saved you this time. You're still shadowkissed. This doesn't change anything about you. You're still you, Rose, my best friend. Please. Hear me out. You're just not bonded to me." Then, after what it seemed like to be hours, she whispered, "To _him_."


	2. Chapter 2

_To him._  
To _Adrian_.

No, no, no. Not now. Not ever. Neither of us have the strength to be bonded now, especially after what just happened between us two.  
Being bonded to Lissa, well, it was hard to cope up with, but she was my best friend and our bond just strengthens our friendship.

With Adrian, I'd never know what the bond will do to us. It might even drive us apart. Even if this bond drove us back to be close again, I wasn't not sure how things between Dimitri and I will be like. I had been bonded to a person; I knew how it felt. My whole world will revolve around that person, and I owed him my whole life. Neither Lissa nor I said anything for a long time.

I finally swallowed and said, "Your face when I talked about Dimitri. You know all about it, don't you? Adrian must've told you."

She shifted uneasily. "It's not his fault for telling me. It was mine. It's not like he did a good job when he first lied to me that nothing was bothering him. It was written all over his aura."

I felt a sudden ache in my chest. I knew Lissa and Adrian all to well to know that he would never open up to anyone unless he trusts them completely. And he does trust Lissa. Why wouldn't he? They're still friends, no matter what happened between me and him.

"I need to talk to him, then. As soon as possible. Not only do I have an apology to make, I also have to swear my life to him for saving me. Not to mention there's a lot to talk about the bond."

"Well..."  
"Well?"

"Adrian.. He, um, specifically asked me not to let you see him."

What? I felt nostalgic. This was happening all over again. A month ago, Dimitri wouldn't see me when he just turned back into a dhampir. Now, it's Adrian who refuses to see me. God.

"Well, he can say and do whatever he wants. But he can't stay away from me. Not forever, anyway," I said stiffly. "What is it, with him? He's being so damn impossible. Does he think he can leave me alone with us being bonded?"

When I got no respond from her, I added, "He can't, Liss. I'd find him," repeating what I just said.

"Rose, He's-"

"What? He's what?"

"He requested to leave the Court. Altogether."

"When?" my eyes widened.

"Since the gunshot, he'd been making plans. He's supposed to leave for London after attending my royal coronation."

"When's your coronation?"

"Within three days."

I don't know why I was surprised. I bet he would've left without even bothering with the coronation whatsoever, if it wasn't Lissa who's going to be queen. _They're still friends, no matter what_, I reminded myself.

For the last ten minutes, I almost forgot how damn unreasonable and stubborn he was. I was fixated by my debt to him, our bond. I almost forgot that when Adrian makes up his mind, it's done. Nothing can change it. In that case, he's precisely like me. But I know Lissa well to know that as my best friend, she wouldn't stop me from talking to him.

"Then I must talk to him. At least for the last time."  
This time, Lissa didn't disagree. She insisted that I be released to a couple of doctors since their efforts to keep me here are pointless. After a couple of minutes, they agreed that I can go only if I do check ups once a day for the next three days. I nodded to them, indicating that I'll comply. Whatever. They're dreaming if they think I'm gonna do as they say.

While they were doing some paperworks, I closed my eyes and tried to immerse myself into Adrian's head. When I was trying to reach Lissa's mind through the bond earlier, I was so focused on going to her head that I didn't even realise I still had a bond, only it was with someone else...

It's one thing to be bonded to Lissa, it's another thing to be bonded to Adrian. With Lissa, even though I highly respect her privacy, I couldn't help but spy on her thoughts every now and then to make sure nothing is bothering her. With Adrian, though, I knew that it's not only his privacy I'm intruding, but also that I don't have absolutely no right to read him. But it's not like I have the power not to. I bit my bottom lip, sending a mental apology to Adrian for what I'm doing-invading his private thoughts-and went to his mind.

* * *

He was lying on the kitchen floor, staring at the ceiling, his eyes unfocused. He had a couple of drinks, so his thoughts were incoherent. But I could feel his hopelessness. He was angry, but he didn't do anything about it, because what was it that he can do? He was tired-so tired, because he knew he's been nothing but an intruder the first time he saw how I looked at Dimitri. He thought of himself as merely nothing more than one of the many conflicts in my love life with Dimitri, and that he only is-was-what made our relationship interesting, nothing more.

He cursed himself for thinking for a second that I even had feelings for him.  
But all negative thoughts aside, there was relief too-and hope. He was so relieved that I didn't die. As much as he would never admit it, I sensed that there was he still had hope, despite what I'd done to him. The tiniest part of him hoped that I could finally understand his feelings for me because I was bonded to him. Then he cursed himself again for even having faith.

With that, I immediately summoned all my willpower to go back to my own mind, because I knew what to do to him now to change his mind. I didn't care about everything else aside from the fact that he still had faith. He had hope. Even though it was little, it was still there. That was all I needed—just a little bit of hope. I knew I will get him to stay.

Because hope overpowers _everything_.

So I set my feet on the hospital floor and walked straight to his apartment with Lissa by my side, because at that moment, I only had one thing in mind: to beg forgiveness from the boy whose heart I broke.

* * *

When we arrived, Lissa offered to be the one to knock on his door first while I waited until he opened up. That way, he wouldn't be able to sense my aura lurking and decide not to let us in. I told her not to bother, since I could sense that he was so wasted that his spirit magic wouldn't even be functional anymore. When she started knocking gently, I kicked the door open, knowing that he couldn't even stand straight at the moment.

We found him on the kitchen floor, still in the same position as I saw him when I went to his mind. Lissa kneeled and shook him and repeatedly called his name, but he did nothing but talk gibberish.

"Adrian. C'mon. Let's clean you up."

He groaned.  
I crossed my arms protectively but didn't say anything.

"Adrian. Hey. We have to clean you up and get you sober. Rose is here to talk to you," she attempted again.

With that, he sat up abruptly. "Rose?"

"Yeah. _Rose_", I said stiffly. "_Rose_ is here and _she_ would like to do some serious talking to _Adrian_ without him having any alcohol in his system."

"Rose," he said dreamily, his eyes still unfocused."Rose, indeed, is like her name; _a rose_. Her petals are as lovely as spring itself."

Then, he did something that drained all the blood from my face.

He turned to look at me in the eyes; the first time that his eyes weren't unfocused and said solemnly, "But beware. Don't be so easily lured by this enchanting facade of hers. Because," he paused, as if to build the anticipation of what he was about to say next. "To touch her exquisite petals is to be pierced by her remorseless thorns."

Then he calmly laid down again, leaving me with a lump in my throat.


	3. Chapter 3

_To touch her exquisite petals is to be pierced by her remorseless thorns._

This wasn't the first time I've heard Adrian's random manifests where he gets poetic out of nowhere. But this time the words seemed to cut my skin and buried themselves there. All I wanted to do was wallow in my guilt and shame for what I'd done to someone like him.

Adrian, who never failed to understand me. He understood when I went after Dimitri to kill him-even when Lissa didn't. Adrian, who told me to be sorry when I lied to him, and not because I loved Dimitri. For an understanding and compassion person like him-though he doesn't show his sensitivity-his words sure damn _hurt_.

Anyway, though at that moment I thought the world stop rotating and we were forever frozen that way-Adrian, on the floor, me, still crossing my arms but looked defeated, and Lissa, kneeling by his side-the world obviously didn't freeze because Adrian threw up right there and then.

So, I went out and told the first guardian I saw to fetch a cleaner to _Lord Ivashkov'_s place. I went back to the room to find Lissa wiping Adrian's face with a towel. He was already on the bed, though his shoes were still on and he wasn't tucked in the blanket.

"You actually managed to _move_ him," I smirked. "Impressive."  
"Yeah, right. Being Adrian Ivashkov's best friend sure does have some perks. Cleaning vomit, dealing with a drunkie, et cetera, et cetera," she laughed. Then we were silent for a moment.  
"Listen, Rose. I'm not going to pretend that his words didn't bother you, because I saw hurt written all over your face."  
"I never pretended that I wasn't. But what he said; he's right. He was."  
"Oh, c'mon! Don't be melodramatic. He was _drunk_."  
"What makes you think that he wouldn't say anything worse when he's already sober?"  
"I know because he wouldn't openly hurt you with words. Push you away? Maybe. But verbally attack you? No. You don't do that to someone you love."

_Someone you love._

I thought about how Dimitri pushed me away when he turned back into a dhampir. He never did once disrespect or shame me. Same went for Lissa and Christian when they temporarily broke up.

I was opening my mouth to say something in response when the cleaner came. He also delivered a message to Lissa that she was Jill, her half-sister, was looking for her. She hesitantly left, afraid to leave me with a drunk Adrian but I assured her that it'd be fine. Thirty minutes later, the cleaner's job was done and he managed to change Adrian out of his dirty shirt. He left after leaving aspirin and I was left alone with Adrian who had been sleeping soundly. I resisted the urge to lay my head on his chest. Instead, I made myself comfortable on the floor and stayed awake thinking - about Tasha's trial, about Lissa's new throne. But mostly, I thought about him. Adrian.

Knowing I had so little time with him, that was, if I failed to convince him to stay, I tried to memorize the image of him sleeping, with his eyes slightly shut and his chestnut-brown curls falling perfectly on his forehead.

His bed was by the window and the moon shone directly on his flawless face, making him seem as if he shines; reminding me of how he looked when he healed my wound-so bright, so beautiful. It was daytime on vampire schedule, but seeing him like this, I can almost imagine for a second that we didn't live in a world of blood and magic, that he could be a human who didn't have to depend on alcohol in order not to lose his sanity, that he didn't have to suffer so much, that if he-we-could be normal, for instance, if I was human too met him by chance in a coffee shop, our fate could've been diff-

Wait, _what? _Since when did I have delusional thinking like this? This is the first time ever that I've thought about being, God _forgive_ me, human. _No_, I thought. Thinking about things like that wouldn't change anything. Many that are ordinary are willing to give up anything in order to be anything other than _average_. This, I know from how many humans I've seen that gave up everything to be Strigoi. I shuddered from the memory.

I quickly tried to think of something else other than that topic. It wasn't hard at all, considering I'm staring at the boy who saved my life-literally. For a second, I wished he would open his eyes just so I could catch the warm green color of his eyes which I already missed. But that would mean that he would be awake, and I'd have to talk to him, whereas I have no clue how to plead with him…

And that was what ran in my head for the next hour or so.

I don't know how much time passed when I finally sighed and muttered, "Oh, Adrian. What would I do with you?"

I gave up resisting to touch him, sat beside him on the bed and ran my thumb lightly along his jaw. Somehow, that small gesture sent a wave of different emotions through me. A simple act like that, was more electrifying than anything he and I had ever done to each other in a past. I felt my heart jump. Is it the bond? The connection between a spirit-user and the shadow kissed? That must be it, right? _It must be, it must be, it must be_, I told myself. Yet... I never felt that way when I touched Lissa when I was bonded to her.

I drew my hand back because of the sudden sensation that rushed through my veins. But before I did, Adrian opened his eyes, caught a tight grip on my wrist and said, "Little dhampir, what would I do _without_ you?" Now that he was fully awake, his thoughts and emotions found their way to me through the bond. I was startled by how strong his mixed emotions were that I almost stumbled back. Desperation. Awe. Fury. Affection. Hope.

And that's when it hit me. What _would_ he do _without_ me? Lots of things.

Travel.

Have a clean start in London.

Meet someone new.

_Fall in love_.

I am selfish person; that, I've always known.

I, Rose Hathaway, have made so little sacrifices in life compared to most people. I can count with my fingers the number of selfless moments I had.

But how _could_ I? How could I feel guilty about what I've done to him yet plan to talk him into staying here with me, when he would be nothing but hurt, seeing Dimitri and I?

So I took a deep breath, and with a lump in my throat, and vowed that I'll never _ever_ try to persuade him to do anything contrary to his wants.

Not after what I'd done.

If he stays, it should be of his own will.

Not influenced by my persuasion.

I prayed to God that he changes his mind on his own, and stay.

**This chapter is a little uneventful, but the story doesn't end here.**

**What are your thoughts? Do you want Adrian stay in the Court? Do you think he'd change his mind without Rose's persuasion? Review please :) Thanks for reading!**


	4. Chapter 4

We stayed like that for awhile, eyes locked. He finally loosened his grip on my wrist and I drew my hand back.

I tried so hard to tune out his thoughts, but I didn't think it was even possible for a shadow-kissed to ignore her bond-mate. He was as confused as I was; he didn't know what to do with our bond. He still had headache because of the hangover, but it wasn't something he wasn't used to.

Knowing that Adrian wouldn't be the one to start the conversation, I moved away from the bed. He parted his lips to protest, to ask me to stay, but I shook my head. "I'm not going anywhere. Just getting you aspirin."

I moved to his kitchen, took a glass and filled it with water. Meanwhile, his thoughts found their way to mine.

He remembered going to the bar after the gunshot and the chaos, his emotions so agonizing that even _I_ was overwhelmed by their intensity. Spirit magic was taking its toll on him.

He even wondered if it was a mistake when he pushed Lissa away from me, determined that he would be able to bring me back to life. Looking back at the memory, he cursed himself for being so sure that he was capable of summoning that much power to bring back the dead. _What if I didn't have enough strength? _He thought. _What if I took too long and she really did die?_ After all, in the past, the closest thing he did to heal someone or something was saving a dying plant. Ha. I think even he laughed at that memory.

But seeing my lifeless body on the ground, my shirt soaked with so much blood… He had never been so terrified his whole life.

His thoughts went to how Dimitri had kissed my forehead earlier. Just like Sonya said, seeing Dimitri and I together like that from Adrian's eyes, he could really see our golden auras matching each other's.

That meant Dimitri and I we were truly in love.

He was afraid he might lose it that night. So he did what he always does. He drank. After a couple of drinks his memories were a blur. He shouted at someone. The person looks at him in his drunken state in disgust. He flirted with a blonde. The blonde was to kind to ignore his flirtation so she asked where he stayed. Her guardian managed to bring him back to his apartment.

He didn't remember much about what happened later, only that he woke up the next day, determined to get the hell away from the Court. In other words, _away from me_. He had a heated conversation with his father when he didn't consent his departure. He even threatened Adrian, but knowing that his father was bluffing, he ignored his words. The next thing he knew, he had already booked a one-way ticket to London.

He wondered for awhile if he really wanted to leave me, Lissa, Jill, his mom and hell, even _Christian_. That was when Lissa came visit him with a big smile plastered on her face, announcing that her coronation was already planned. Obviously, he couldn't miss it, and with relief he postponed his flight. He wasn't sure exactly why he felt alleviated, but I had a feeling that it was because he wasn't wholeheartedly ready to go just yet.

I took a deep breath and walked back to his room with a glass of water and his medicine. I sensed that he didn't want to be nursed, but he took the glass anyway.

And again the silence presumed.

I braced myself for what I was about to say.

"Adrian, first of all, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I know you don't have any more reason to trust me for anything-or even to listen to what I'm about to say-" I paused.

His chest, that was already aching, now felt like it was suffocated. He would forgive me, _of course he would_.

I remembered his words to me the night we almost made love to each other.

_Rose, somehow, I think you could do all sorts of bad things to me, and I'd still come back to you._

But he couldn't ignore the fact that I lied to him and to myself repeatedly for my feelings for Dimitri.

His feelings darkened, and he had an expression of angriness that I'd never seen on his face. That was when I had to play my role. Slowly, I focused on those negative emotions, and began absorbing them. I was careful not to absorb too many at once so that he wouldn't notice what I've been doing. So, I said things that I knew would summon up his darkest thoughts, so that I could take away his pain.

"I know you think that I lied to you when I told you I was over him. Here's the thing; maybe I did. _But I didn't do it consciously_. I think lied to myself so many times that I believed my own lies. But my affection for you? It was real. I cared about you. I still do now, more than ever."

Okay, so this whole speech wasn't going as well as I hoped to be. In fact, I began to ramble. I didn't mean for him to feel sympathetic towards me, but it was inevitable. Damn! If I continue talking like this he might end up _really _staying here because of what I said.

"..I can't tell you how grateful I am. I know you had your doubts about your own powers, but you saved my life. I'll do anything in my power to protect you. I swear it. I swear it with my life, Adrian, I'll never let any harm beset you," I said solemnly.

The thought of Adrian harmed, hurt or injured suddenly threw me right off the edge. I think I fully understand now how Dimitri was so protective of Lissa, and how Sonya was protective of him. Having an experience as traumatic as dying and as magical as being brought back to life by someone will bond you to that person. I'm not saying merely the psychic bond like the one I have with Adrian, but an emotional one. I think, even if I wasn't his shadowkissed mate, my sense of protectiveness towards him wouldn't be less than it already is right now.

My fear of him being in agony was a whole different kind of fear.

It was one I'd reserved only for people like Lissa and Dimitri.

He just sat there, unmoving, looking down at his hands. He was gripping his blankets so tightly that his knuckles were white.

He turned his head to look at my eyes. When his glossed green eyes locked with mine, he looked as if he was pleading.

_I don't think I've ever seen him more vulnerable my whole life._

"Then what would you do, if the harm that 'besets' me was inflicted by none other than myself?" he mumbled.

My heart sank hearing those words, but I managed to say, "That would never happen. I'd never let you slip away and lose control. Never."

He was frustrated by then. "Why? Why not?"

"You didn't give up on me when I was on the run as a fugitive. I sure as hell wouldn't give up on you."

"Oh? But rose, you already did give up on me," he chuckled.

Did I know he was going to say those words? Yep. Our bond gave that away. Did it still stop me from flinching hearing him say them? Nope.

"I saw your face, little dhampir. I saw your face when Belikov kissed you. Certainty was written all over your face; certainty that you were going to pick him over me. I don't need to question anything from anyone, Rose. In your face I found all of the answers I needed. Not that I have to say anything to you at all. You know all my deepest thoughts, my sorrows, my reasons, my passions, all because of the bond. Yet you are still you, Rose. You're still selfish enough to force me to still be your friend after everything you did to me. What is it there for me to say to you? Go ahead, just read my mind. It's not like I've ever had anything to hide from anyone."  
I had a feeling that if he wasn't so tired of everything and if he wasn't still a little hung over, he'd be shouting those words to me right now.

I bit my lip in order not to scream what had been in my mind the entire time. _NO! YOU'RE WRONG! I'M DOING THIS FOR YOU! I'M NOT TRYING TO PERSUADE YOU TO STAY!_

I wish he didn't hurt like that. _I'm sorry, I'm so sorry,_ I wished to say. But the words wouldn't come. Instead, I played along to what he was saying.

I purposely blinked my eyes to look as if understanding dawned on my face. "You're right. You're absolutely right. I was—I am—selfish to still try to persuade you to stay with me," I swallowed-purposely-to look as if I just had a revelation.

"You're right. You'll have a long, wonderful life without me."

Though his face didn't show any trace of emotion, I felt his surprise through the bond. There was doubt too. He didn't believe I would sacrifice myself for him just like that. I kept going on.

"You will do great things, Adrian Ivashkov. You may not know that yet. But I do," I smiled. "You'll move on, and find a royal Moroi to marry or something," I rolled my eyes, even though my eyes stung and Adrian wasn't amused by my joke. "And you're going to forget about that _little whiny dhampir_ you met on a ski lodge who was in love with herself." That got me a small smile, though my heart was aching and his was breaking.

He wanted to say, _you're wrong, I'm not going to forget that _little _whiny dhampir_, when a realization hit him.

His face hardened, and he leapt out from the bed in a flash.

He understood what I was trying to do. The diversion and sublimating. It was all to distract him from realizing that I was absorbing his anger, frustration, hopelessness.

"What the _hell_ do you think you're doing?!" he demanded.


	5. Chapter 5

"Adrian, whoa! Calm down."

"That's what you've been doing, right? _Calming me down_? Of course. Did you even mean anything you just said? You just did that to distract me, right? I saw your aura. It darkened. You've been absorbing my craziness."

"You're not crazy."

"You're not denying what you just did!"

"I'm not. Look, I'm sorry. I'm really scared for you, Adrian. Your emotions… They're too much to handle. You're not insane. _Yet_. But I'm not gonna sit here and let you handle this alone. You don't have to." I clasped his hands with mine. "That's what I'm here for. To help you. I'm your own shadow-kissed."

I took his fury in to me again, this time I absorbed everything at once. His mind cleared, and mind was temporarily clouded. Not for long, though. He realized it again, and he wanted to shout again, but not because of anger, this time, but for fear. He was _scared_ for _me_.

"Please, Rose, please. Don't do this. Not for _me_. _Please_," he covered his eyes with his palm. He looked at me again, and pleaded. "At least, if you meant what you said, you'd do this for me. You'd let this one go. Stop whatever you're doing—the absorbing, whatever it's called. It's not worth it. Do you hear me? Reclaiming _my_ sanity is not worth losing _yours_. It'd be more unbearable than anything else. No alcohol or cigarettes can erase the agony that is witnessing you turn to be someone you're not—Someone like _me_. If I do, that's when I know I'd lose it for real."  
_  
_Only then did I fully understand how much Adrian loathed himself. He thought of the nights he spent all alone, yearning and longing to feel anything else other than loneliness and desperation.

He would drink and feel numb and wonder how his future would be like.  
He would age, his parents would die and he would feel their disappointment _still_ bringing him down after all those years.  
He would grow old, and still wonder what to do with his life.

I was fighting an internal battle, in which I would never win, for no matter what I did, he would inevitably get hurt.

I opened my mouth to protest; but I remembered again the entire reason I was even here. To let him go.  
"Please," he repeated for presumably the tenth time. He considered what he was going to say. "I'd cut it all off—the drinking, whatever it is —if you'd promise not to do this again. I'd find another way other than alcohol. Just promise me."  
Unlike the last time he promised not to drink, I believed him this time. Before, his determination was fueled by the thought of impressing me. This was kindled by his fear for me—the kind of fear that I, myself, would feel if he got hurt.

"Okay. Yeah. Of course. I promise."

Again, I took him by surprise. He thought it was very unlikely of me to go down without a fight.  
I didn't say goodbye. He didn't either. I simply swallowed my pride and left his apartment. He didn't stop me. I didn't turn around.  
His wariness was gone by the time I walked away from him. What was left was only a void in his heart, where I used to be in. As usual, he didn't let his feelings get to him. Instead, he took deep breaths and masked his hurt expression with a neutral one. Now that I think about it, that was exactly what I always do as well.

I was feeling light-headed, but at the same time my chest felt heavy to the point where it was almost unbearable. Each step was agonizing. I was just stepping out of Adrian's apartment when bumped into and collided with someone. Not just someone.  
Dimitri.

* * *

"Whoa!"

"Easy there, Roza."

"Dimitri!" He pulled me towards him.

When we let go of each other, he took my hands and kissed them both.

"You don't know how terrified I was, Rose. So terrified."

"Oh, trust me, the feeling is mutual."

"It's not funny."

"Nothing's ever funny for you, comrade."

"I thought you agreed to never use that nickname again. Look, Rose. I'm trying to have a serious conversation here. Please, Roza."

The nickname silenced me.

"I was so scared for you, Rose. I really was.. You don't know how it felt like…" He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. "Seeing you die in front of my eyes like that… I was so helpless. I couldn't do anything and you were slipping away from me. When you looked at me in the eyes, I swear, I have never seen anyone so close yet so far away in my life. It was as if I were holding you in my palms, but you were slipping away so quickly—like—like," he seemed to be having difficulties in trying to find the right word. "Like _water_. Like I was desperately trying to grasp water in my hands, but all the effort is for nothing as there was nothing I could do to save it from spilling out. I've never been so scared and useless my whole life. I can't explain it….You don't know how it was like."

If he didn't say it this way, I would've kissed and hold him and told him that it was all going to be okay, but the way he was framing his sentences infuriated me.

"_I can't know how it felt like? _Are you freaking _kidding_ me right now?"

Understanding and regret suddenly were written all over his face the instant I said those words to him. He knew what I was talking about. _Of course he did_. Dimitri never failed to understand me.

He understood that I was talking about everything I went through when I thought that he died, only to find that he didn't. Instead, he turned Strigoi.  
I was too infuriated by what he just said that I lost all control to hold my annoyance back. I was still in a bad mood because of what happened with Adrian, and to top it all, Dimitri wasn't making me feel any better.

I crossed my arms defensively, ready for an argument when Christian came running full-speed towards us. He was panting by the time he reached us.

"Rose, you're going to want to come with me right now."

"In a moment, please, Christian. Dimitri and I are in the middle of a conversation," I said through gritted teeth.

"I'm serious, Rose. It's an emergency. Lissa wants you."

Just like that, my annoyance towards Dimitri subsided, now replaced with anxiety for Lissa.

"Lissa? Is she okay?"

"See for yourself," he simply said. I started jogging alongside Christian to where Lissa was, when I noticed that Dimitri was still glued to where he stood. He looked hesitant, like he didn't know what to do with himself. Christian and I shared anxious eye contacts, and I finally sighed and said, "Do you wanna come, Dimitri?"

"May I?" he asked Christian uncomfortably.

Christian shrugged. "I guess you have to know sooner or later." We started jogging again, when Christian exclaimed, "Oh! We're supposed to fetch the drunk one too. If he's already sober, that is."

Great. Adrian and I just said our 'farewell' not ten minutes ago, and now we're supposed to see each other again. _Great._

I was contemplating on whether or not to tell them the truth that he indeed _was_ sober, so that I wouldn't have to face him with his still-fresh mixed feelings towards me. But then I realized it was selfish as _hell_, and that it must be pretty important for Lissa if she asked us all to assemble. Christian shot an eyebrow up, waiting for me to respond. "Oh. Uh, yeah, just knock on his door. He's already awake."

Dimitri eyed me warily, and although I was still little pissed, the simple act of him worrying about me warmed my heart for a second.

After several attempts in luring him out of his room, Christian finally managed to do it. I could feel that he didn't want to come, especially since he knew I was going to be there too. But he gave in finally, because it was for Lissa.

He walked out, fully dressed, his hair slightly messed up as usual. The bond confirmed that he still didn't know how to feel about our earlier conversation, but he put that thought aside, determined to hear what Lissa had to say, and stormed past the three of us without even a glance in my direction. Like I said, _great._

The four of us headed to Lissa's, with Adrian walking in front alone. When we found her, she was pacing the room frantically, all her courteous queen-like demeanor dropped. Dimitri looked awkward, as if he didn't know whether to bow down or not, but Lissa waved him off, indicating it wasn't necessary.

"Hey," I moved towards her. "Liss, what's wrong?"

Lissa didn't answer. "It's Jill," said Christian.

"Jill? What's with her?"

Knowing that Lissa wasn't going to answer me, Christian explained the whole ordeal to Dimitri, Adrian and I. "She has been ill. Fever. We called some doctors and they gave her medicine but none of them worked. They're worried. She hadn't been able to sleep in so long."

Lissa touched her forehead in frustration. This time, she spoke up. "Not just _ill_. Worse than that. She's having hallucinations. Really horrible ones. She was pulling all her hair out when I visited her earlier, screaming at the top of her lungs. It was so horrible, Rose. I almost didn't recognize her. They think that if they can't find a cure... She might not make it. Either that, or the hallucinations might not stop. _Ever_."

I felt Adrian stiffen at the last sentence. What Lissa just said triggered some old memories of his in the past, but I wasn't sure what it was, because I wasn't concentrating on his thoughts and he probably pushed the thought away in order for me not to figure it out. What I did know, though, was that that memory of his brought back dark feelings inside of him. Like Adrian too, I pushed that thought aside for a little while to concentrate on our current situation with Jill.

I swallowed. "When did she first get sick?"

"The night I was declared to be the successor of the throne."

* * *

**Spoiler: new OCs will be introduced in the next chapter. Thanks for reading. :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Two Original Characters will be introduced here. They're not main characters, but rather from Adrian's past and play a huge role in Adrian's life. Enjoy!**

* * *

Lissa's eyes were glossed by then. I knew her well enough to know that she wasn't sad, but was extremely frustrated. "I'm not even queen yet and someone's life is already on the line. What if she dies? She's only a child."

Christian was rubbing her back with her thumb. "We don't know what exactly is happening to her yet."

We were stunned, except for Adrian. He was infuriated, but he didn't say anything. He couldn't believe this was happening to Jill, who he could almost think of as a sister.  
Dimitri was the first one to speak up. "If I may, Queen Vasilisa?"

That got him an amused smile from her. "Not queen yet. But yes, go on."

"No offense, but whatever feelings we have right now, we have to put it at the back of our heads. We can start listing all the potential suspects first, starting from the most obvious ones, Natasha Ozera, for instance…" Christian gave him a deadly glare, but Dimitri either didn't notice or didn't care "…and move on to the next ones, such as—"

"Non sense," muttered Adrian, as he started making his way towards the door.

"Pardon?"

He stopped walking. "Non sense. Have you been listening? Someone is dying. Not just _someone._ _Jill_. The queen's only living family left," he shook his head and continued, "No, not just the queen's relative. _Our friend_. Someone we all love. She may not even have that much time left. _She_ should be our priority for now."

I met his eyes for the first time, my tone business-like. "I understand what you're trying to say, _Lord Ivashkov_, but before we put a stop to the person who did this, what's to guarantee that he or she will not do this again? I have a feeling this isn't the last of it," I said.

"So what do your _feelings _tell you to do, _Guardian Hathaway_?"

"Not guardian. Yet," I said with a bored tone. "But first thing's first; Lissa, are you going to announce this to the public or keep it a secret? Who else knows about this?"  
Everyone was looking at her expectantly by then, since she held the authority. She hesitated for awhile, clearly afraid that she might make the wrong decision.

"Only the doctors and Jill's new guardians know. I've made sure they didn't spread the news until we do. But Rose… Think of the panic this will cause. On the other hand, we can't risk our people's safety just because I'm selfish enough to keep this information away from them. What if _this_ happens to _them_?"

Adrian threw his hands up in the air in exhaustion. "Did any of you listen to what I just said? We. Don't. Have. Time. Now, I'm going to go to do my job whilst you all continue with your chatting here."

"Where are you going?" said Dimitri.

I didn't have to ask him to know the answer. Jill. Adrian was going to heal Jill.

Adrian gave him a credulous look. "Jill, of course. Where else?" His eyes met Lissa's. "Lissa, are you coming?"

Lissa sighed, "I won't be much use. If I could, I would have helped her once she was sick. I've started taking pills again to numb my magic. I decided that I can't spare any time on any future mental breakdown in order to rule as queen."

Adrian nodded. "Understandable", he said. But inside, he felt a pang of disappointment of 'losing' his only spirit-user friend.

As soon as Adrian left, my attention was divided between keeping an eye for him and paying attention to whatever the hell everyone was talking inside the room. Someone was saying something about coronation, announcement, cure, Natasha Ozera, but I was not able to keep up with it. I felt like Adrian switched roles with me. I used to be the one who would jump into a situation no matter the risk. Instead, he was the one who was doing that.

Suddenly, as if he knew I was thinking of him, he sent me a message through the bond.

_Rose_.

That startled me, and I concentrated on what he was about to say. Even though he didn't want to communicate with me, this was an exception. He continued, _tell Lissa my magic doesn't work. I failed in trying to heal Jill. And that Dimitri or whoever should carry on with the investigation. I remember you telling me in our dream that you know another spirit-user from Russia. Contact her. Or Sonya Karp. Immediately. They might be able to help us. I need to take care of some things. Hopefully it would be done within a few days._

I immediately went back to my own mind. By then, there were already four other people with us in the room. Presumably Jill's doctors. Lissa no longer looked crumpled as she did before. Her professional business-like demeanor returned. I grabbed Lissa by the shoulders to steal her attention. "Lissa, Adrian just talked to me—," I paused to see all the doctors eyeing me suspiciously,"—through the bond, I mean—that he can't heal Jill. We have to find another spirit-user. Sonya will do."

"What do you mean he can't?"

"He can't—as in he's unable to. He tried, but his magic won't work. And he'd be gone for a while now, to deal with something else."

"Deal with something else? In the midst of _this_? He's the only spirit-user we can reach at the moment," chimed a doctor.

"Have you been listening? He can't use his magic on her. And it's not like he's not helping. He needs to be gone to find something out. To help Jill," I lied. In fact, I had no idea what Adrian had in mind. I just knew that he wouldn't stand there watching Jill die in vain.

"Change of plans, then. I will still be meeting with the other royals to discuss this issue. But Dimitri will fetch Sonya to the Court immediately to heal Jill. Until the royal families and I agree on what to do, I'm afraid there's nothing much we can do about our suspects."

"But we already have a plan! No offense, but the meeting with the royal families will take forever. They will never reach an agreement! They never have," said a Moroi I didn't recognise.  
"Like I said, I'm not queen yet. I respect my authorities," she said dismissively. "And you should too," she narrowed her eyes at the doctor. "Everyone dismissed."

* * *

Just as I made my way out, Dimitri tentatively touched my arm.

"Rose... I know we don't have time now. But when you do... Will you visit me?" he gave a small smile. "I very much want talk to you. About our earlier conversation."

I couldn't help it; I softened a bit. "Of course. Yeah. I will."

"Alright. I'll see you around."

"Good luck with Sonya, okay?"

"Okay." He touched my cheek for a moment and left.

* * *

The next hour was a blur. Like predicted, the royals went _nuts _upon being informed of Jill's current situation, and there was nothing we could do but wait until they decide how to publicly announce this. It was night time already, and I was beyond exhausted. A fellow guardian noticed how worn out I looked, and told me to get some rest as he predicted that the meeting wouldn't be over for at least the next few hours.

I slept as soon as I collapsed to my bed. I didn't know how much time passed until I was startled and awaken by something—the bond. Adrian.

He was in the middle of a serious conversation with his mother. It appeared that the meeting was over, since if it wasn't, she wouldn't have been talking to him.

"I don't know anything. Ask your father."

"You know he would never tell me anything! That's why I came to you. Mother, please. Someone's life is in the line. You have to tell me everything you know."

She looked conflicted. "Wait here."

About five minutes later, she came back with a thick folder.  
"The Dragomirs' file wasn't the only one I stole from the Alchemists. I didn't intend to take this one, at first. It was a last-minute idea. I figured I couldn't steal from them more than once without getting caught. So I ordered my men to take this one too. You're not the only one who wants answers, you know."

He inspected the file.** IORDACH, A. **was written in the front.

The name didn't ring any bell to me, but it was certainly not the case for Adrian. Upon reading the name, there was a sharp intake of breath from him. An image formed in his mind. A girl clutching a book. Black hair, green eyes. Then he immediately pushed the image aside. I had a feeling he did that a lot upon remembering this _Iordach_ girl.

"Is that—"

"Yes, yes. It's her life—and death—documented in a file."

_Who _are they talking about?I sure as hell didn't recognize the girl that passed through Adrian's mind.

"Wait. If you steal this one too from the Alchemists, why is it that they were only looking for the Dragomir's files and not this?"

"They can't risk it. It's too dangerous. If people knew this was stolen, it would create too much chaos. I know your dad acts like he doesn't want you to know about what happened, but I have a feeling he doesn't even know what exactly happened to her."

He doubted what she just said, about his father not knowing everything. Nonetheless, it didn't matter to him since he had what he wanted.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you," he kissed both of her hands. "And mother… I know you've done more than enough by handing this over to me, but if I don't find the answer I need… In case I need to talk to the source directly… I just figured… Maybe she contacted our family... I mean, she must have, right? It's been six years…"

"No," she stammered, her tone cold and dismissive. "Don't ever think I'm going to help you find Lidiya Iordach—"

_Lidiya Iordach? _Was she a completely different person than that black-haired girl? Didn't her name start with the letter A?

"—and even if I knew where she was, I wouldn't tell you. Your father made it clear that we are never to acknowledge her anymore. Do you hear me? Never. If you do, I swear to God, Adrian, your father and I will never—"

Adrian ignored her mother's threat. "Is she still in Bulgaria? That much, you can tell me. I heard that her cousin moved to the states two years ago. Did she come too? I know you know. You and father aren't the kind of people who don't keep track of _old friends_."

She grimaced at the last words. "Lidiya is hardly a friend."

"Is she in America, or is. She. Not?" he demanded.

A long moment passed between them. They seemed to be communicating without words. She finally sighed and swallowed her throat.

"She is."

* * *

**Okay, that was a rather bizarre introduction to the new original characters, but you'll gradually learn more about them in the next chapters. Review please. Thank you for reading!**


	7. Chapter 7

_Lidiya Iordach_.

The more that I thought about that name, the more I was convinced that I'd heard it before.  
The connection broke, and I found myself sitting up on my bed, staring at the wall. I blinked my eyes a few times, adjusting to the surroundings. Damn. I didn't intend on spying on Adrian. I felt like an intruder. Adrian wouldn't have liked it, so I decided not to bring it up unless he asked. That was, if he even would still talk to me.

I quickly changed my clothes and headed out the door. Outside, in my surprise everything was still; no chaos, no guardians lining up each and every door in the Court. Well, I guess the announcement hadn't been made yet. Though I assumed every royal knew about Jill by then, since the meeting was over.

I found my way to Lissa's and nodded to the guards standing outside to let me in.

"Liss? Where's everyone? Has Sonya arrived? Is there any progress?"

"Yes, Sonya arrived about an hour after Dimitri came to see her. And no, sadly, there is no progress. Sonya is… Unable to heal Jill."

"No… No, no. Oh lord. How much time left? What do we do now? What do _I_ do now? Does Jill have much time? Jesus, I can't believe I was out for what? Like _three_ hours? Why isn't any of the doctors here? Aren't we all supposed to be discussing this together?"

"Everyone just left this room ten minutes before you came. You should have seen how much noise they were making. It was chaotic. Most of the doctors are tending Jill now, while we sent some dhampir to track down other spirit-users. The good news is she is not getting worse, though. They sent her blood to the lab too to test it. The results should be out in half an hour, actually."

"Then what do we do until then?"

"For Jill? I don't think there's much to do. Right now we're focusing on finding the suspect." She shook her head. "That is, if there is any suspect at all."

* * *

So ten minutes later I found myself walking back to my place, angrier that I'd ever been in months. I tried to reason with Lissa, insisting that there must be something else we—I—could do. Never had I ever felt so helpless, so _useless. Why Jill? Why not me? Why a fifteen year old? _Honestly, if someone asked me, I would say I'm sure we would cure Jill. But that's just a lie. Jill wasn't gone yet and I already felt the loss, the panic rising in me. I swore I was going to punch something. Anything. The wall. A door. The first freaking person I see. I'm clenching my fists so hard, ready to swing a full punch. I turned left. I have to punch something I have to punch something I have to—

And then I found Adrian sitting outside my door.

Just like that, my anger subsided, and all that's left was weariness.

"Hey." It came out more like a sigh.

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

Is he kidding me? Of course he can. "Of course you can. Come on in. So, any leads? Where did you just go?"

"I figured I had to leave the country, but the odds are in my favor— I didn't have to travel. I got what I needed. I realized it's a waste to be hiding anything from you."He hesitated. "I kind of need your help anyway."

He handed me a file. Upon closer inspection, I realized it was _the _file. The one his mother just gave to him.

IORDACH, A.

"Go ahead," he nodded.

I scanned the pages. _Infected six days before death. Fever. Insomnia. Dilated eyes. Swollen hands and feet. Skin turned gray in color. Hallucinations. Deceased at 15._

"Same symptoms as Jill's," I said.

He shrugged.

"So there are two possibilities, then. Either they were both poisoned, or we're looking at the same disease."

"I doubt it's a disease."

"How can you be so sure?"

Adrian sighs. "Let's just say you're looking at the file of a person who used to close to me." He laughs unfeelingly. "Actually, to say that we were 'close' is an understatement. She meant the world."

I didn't see tears welling up Adrian's eyes, nor did I see his expression change even a little bit. But through the bond I felt hollowness. Just plain hollowness. The feeling consumed every inch of him; as if he wasn't capable to feel anything other than this emptiness inside of him. It eats him. Withers him. Corrupts him.

It struck me how little I know of Adrian's life. I'd always known he was a deeply unhappy person, but I didn't understand the extent of his sadness. In this moment, with him leaning on the wall, with his eyes inside his pockets, with a grief so deep it felt like he didn't feel anything at all, I was beginning to see him with a new pair of eyes.

He continued, "And I knew her. She never got sick. Not once in her life."

"You mean… She was a spirit-user as well?"

I searched for his eyes, but he won't meet mine. Instead he just stared off to blank space.

"I didn't understand it back then. It wasn't until I discovered my abilities that I remembered how she never got sick. How she always commented on wanting to be a vet when she grew up. She said she has a way with animals… With any living object, actually. She said sometimes she could feel a bond-_connection_-when she touches anything alive. She used to talk about it to me with these big bright eyes of hers and I swear I could see the passion burning in them… or that time when…"

Adrian turned his head around and as if he just noticed me for the first time, he said, "Sorry. I kind of fell into a dream-like state. I forgot you were even here."

"No need to apologize."

Knowing that I had no right whatsoever to push this topic even further, I changed the subject.

"Okay, so, female, 15, Bulgarian, a possible spirit-user-"

"Not _possible_. She _is_ a spirit-user, like me."

"Right." I flipped through the pages. "Is this all? There's like only five pages here."

"Those are the ones that are relevant to her death. The rest I took."

"So what do you need my help for, then? I thought you wanted to solve this together with me. It's why you came, right?"

Before he had a chance to answer, my phone beeped. "It's Lissa. She said Jill's test results will be out in about ten. We better head there now."

* * *

We ran towards Jill's room. Outside, I saw two other Dhampir guarding the front door. I gave them a salute, thinking that they would let me in right away. Instead, one of them blocked my way and informed me that I had to wait for a few minutes.

"Is there something wrong?" I said, "Aren't the results out yet? The Queen asked Lord Ivashkov and I to come."

"We were given orders not to let anyone in. Just for a few minutes, Guardian Hathaway."

Adrian shrugged, and bobbed his head to the end of the hallway. I assumed he wanted to talk in private.

Once out of earshot, he crossed his arms and asked, "Can you be honest with me? How many times has that happened?"

"What happened?"

"You, being in my head."

"Wh—"

"Oh, c'mon. Don't act like you didn't eavesdrop my conversation with my mother earlier. How else could you know where she originated from? When you were describing Adela, you said she was Bulgarian."

"The file-"

"The file stated that she was Russian. Like me."

"Fine. I'm sorry. It was an accident. I didn't mean to, I… Never mind, it doesn't matter how it happened. It's my fault either way."

"How many times has. That. Happened?"

"Twice," I winced.

"And are you listening to my thoughts right now?"

"Of course not. I meant it when I said I have no intention in invading your personal life," I said, "I don't want to make promises I can't keep, such as saying that it won't happen again, coz I know it will. It's doomed to. But I can promise that as long I have control over it, I won't let it happen."

Adrian didn't give any response other than shaking his head.

"Rose."

"Hmm?"

"You said you're not listening to my thoughts right now."

"And…?"

"What does that mean?" he took a step closer. "Can you… _Tune _my emotions_ out_, or something?"

"You can say something like that. Well, it's more of concentrating on other sounds, voices. I don't think it's possible to 'tune them out' completely."

"Fascinating," he murmured.

"Yeah. Takes willpower too. Now that I think about it, you can't really call _it_ 'listening'. How do I say it?" I leaned closer as well. "It's more like… _Breathing_. I don't really know how to explain it. To other people that aren't shadow kissed, it might sound rather strange. But it's not like an activity anymore. It's just like a natural process. Like a second nature. As if I…"

"Need it to survive?"

"Yeah," I breathed.

"So, the whole time you… Concentrated on other voices… It's as if you're holding your breath?"

"Exactly."

"It must hurt, then. Holding your breath."

I smiled. "To the point where it makes me want to scream."

I didn't get a response except for the crease forming between his eyebrows. His expression still as unfeeling as it ever was, but I thought I saw his eyes shine a little brighter. We stared at each other; none of us pulled a muscle. When it started to get uncomfortable, I was the one who pulled away. I didn't realize how close we were standing until I moved.

"It must sound weird to you. Like I said, it's hard to explain."

"I don't think it's weird. It's actually quite…"

"Fascinating?"

"Indeed. So you really won't be able tell how I feel, if you just concentrate enough?"

"Oh, no. I _know_ how you _feel_. That, I can't avoid. I can still feel your emotions. It's as if they're penetrating through your skin. I can detect radical changes to your feelings, like when you turn from angry to sad in a short period of time. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, a bit, I guess."

"Well, your emotions are like… a flame. They burn in my veins. When you're not feeling anything intense in particular, the flame is dimmed. I can always feel tingling sensation, but is not as heightened as it would be if you're feeling something strongly. The more intense your emotion is—"

"—the brighter it burns. The faster you feel it flowing under your skin."

"Yes! You _do_ get it. Our bond might go both-ways after all."

The corner of his lips twitched, and I felt as if the sun came pouring in to the room.

"And Rose?"

"Yeah?"

He pressed his lips together, wearing a solemn expression.

"Don't hold your breath, okay?" he hesitated, seeing my puzzled expression. "Don't... I don't want you to."


End file.
